Just yesterday I read news on a famous actor passing away and it brought back memories of loss that my family and I experienced this year. Seeing other people and pass away is so horrifying, it is disturbing. We all have faced and/or are facing tragic moments.
That's why I feel the need to post joyful, funny, pretty photos, moments, things. It's not fake. It's not staged, it's not to impress people that I have a perfect life... but it is fighting.
So what am I fighting for? Fighting to think that even through the darkest day, there's still light. Fighting to think upon things that are lovely, worthy, lovable, good and true. To marvel and appreciate that even the smallest detail in life is a gift.
I love everyone around me, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to share all my trials in life to every single person I meet. But just because I don't post certain things in my life, my thoughts on it or take photos of my bruises and crying tears, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist in my life.
Our greatest addiction is talking about our problem… Why can’t we talk more about our joy? And I simply don’t talk about my problem (except maybe in this post), because not only it won’t solve it, but the more I talk about my problem, the more power I’m feeding it and it will weakens the inner me.
I just wanted to share my heart on this particular matter. And maybe encourage others to be more joyful in life, be true about it and share the joy! If you’re facing problem, then open up if you must, but choose wisely to whom you open up. And I pray for invincible strength for you to go through trials & challenges in your life. God bless~
xo, Chrisya S.
Lately God's been taking me through a lot of different kinds of new experiences. This year (so far) has been a real roller coaster ride of emotions. But I am thankful that through it all, God's giving me never ending wisdom and unfathomable understanding, strength, peace, joy... Basically He sustains me (and my family) is so many ways.
The wisdom though... wow! I'm receiving so many thoughts and many are deep. It's blessing me. Slowly my future is becoming much more clear, and God's is telling me where I'm heading far more surely now. Still a wee bit fuzzy, gotta pray on it more, but I have faith. Dream BIG! Pray even BIGGER!
* * *
So, anyway... I don't know why, but I had the sudden urge to join the Sunday service in Lembah Pujian few days ago. So we did, and turns out Ps. Myles Munroe is speaking for the day. And whoo~ he was slaying me with the words of God!
I'd like to share what I got through the preaching. His preaching is really big, wide and deep... Now, you must understand that I am not very good with words and summarizing things, so I'll try my very best to deliver his preaching through this post.
* * *
Purpose of family:
Products of family:
- Emotional shelter / Stability
- A psychological incubator
- Self concept / worth
- Convictions / belief
Now, just like a building or a house, the most important of part of the building is the foundation. Similar to that, the most important of a family is the foundation, which the male. Now, if you would like to know what is important to God... study carefully what satan focuses on! The devil knows to create problem they need to create: fatherlessness.
What's with the male crisis? Well, priority determines value. The male is the priority for destruction to the devil because of HIS value. Fathers are in crisis because they are the important key.
A tree is only as good as its root. A house is only as good as its foundation. The quality of an offspring is determined by its genes.
We all believe Jesus is the best contractor. All contractors know that the most important to concentrate from a building is its foundation. So, before God built family, he created human being. He created Adam. God only made 1 human from soil and He never came back. God never begins until He is finish! God put everybody (the whole entire human race) inside this 1 human - Adam.
Can you picture that? So God created and finish everybody (YES, EVERYBODY) first and then put it in 1 body. So Adam: is everybody in 1 body.
Look now, the first human God created is a male. This is important! Because he is going to be the foundation. A foundation of a building is located at the bottom of the building. Why? Because it carries the weight of the whole building. The male is suppose to carry the whole family. The male is the foundation of a family.
"The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die."
God then took the male and put him in Garden of Eden. Eden has a meaning of "Presence". It means: beautiful presence. So it is NOT a place, it is an environment. An atmosphere. God's presence. This is why no matter how hard archeologists try to find the Garden of Eden, they were never able to discover it.
God put male in the Garden of Eden to work! So first, God put him in His presence, then He told male to work it. Adam also has to cultivate and protect the garden. And not only that, God also gave His command to Adam not to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge. God gave the man His words.
Notice now, God put in 5 items in Adam.
5 Items that are the marks of a real man:
- His belief - is he in the presence of God?
- He is working
- He cultivates you - helps you grow into a better person
- He is able to protect you
- He is obeying God's commandment
"Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.""
Only after Adam had those 5 items, then God decided to create woman. So, here is a kingdom advice for the ladies: Next time a man tell you that you're beautiful, he loves you and he want to marry you. Asks him these questions: Are you in God's presence? Are you working? Can you help me grow to be better? Can you protect me? Are you obeying God's words? If the answer to those questions are no, then girl... don't settle.
Then God goes inside the man and He takes out a woman. Woman didn't come from the soil like Adam did; they came out of the man.
Father: Abba (in Hebrew); meaning - the source. Sustainer, source, nourisher, provider, protector, progenitor, founder, author, maker.
Woman came out of the man, so the man is the source. This is why the male is called father. Father is not a name; it is a function. So, in other words, the woman is the man's baby. A baby should be taken care of; God designed woman to be sustained by man. Man should protect, clothe, feed, love, forgive and even spend all your money on her.
Can you draw the line now? Man > woman > marriage > family > community
Man is created first; the foundation. Then woman was created. Marriage is third; the union of man and woman. Then fourth; the fruit of marriage - Family. Then many families produce community. Many communities produce a nation.
So who is the most important part of the structure? THE MAN. Man was built by God to carry a whole nation! The devil knows that if it can destroy the foundation, then the whole nation could collapse.
"...So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened..."
Notice that when Eve looked at the tree, nothing happened. When she picked the fruit, nothing happened. When she ate the fruit, nothing happened. She swallowed it, still nothing happened. But when Adam ate it, immediately everything collapses.
This is when man fell and was removed from the whole structure. And woman carries the nation. But woman wasn't designed or built for that. Which is why there are a lot of woman is sick, stressing out, etc nowadays.
* * *
To all man: attain those 5 things and made yourself whole. Realize that you've got a nation as your responsibility. Stop being so small minded, and grow! Prepare yourself not only for the present, but for the future. There is no such thing as, boy will always be boys. Make the decision to grow into maturity, and be ready to lead your spouse, family, community and contribute to the nation. Remember equip yourself then a woman will be brought to you!
To all woman: A thought from my latest reflection - "To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of biblical advice: "Ruth patiently waited for her mate, Boaz."
While you are waiting for YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives; Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az!!!
Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yo-az!" ;-)
Always make sure the man you're settling with has those 5 things!!!
Always make sure the man you're settling with has those 5 things!!!
To both man & woman: I am going to quote what I read through Kak Diah's blog - "A marriage is a long term relationship between two individuals. A wedding, on the other hand, is the ceremony of getting married." So, surrender your relationships to God and make sure to enter holy matrimony with His grace.
P.S: I hope I wrote Ps. Myles Munroe's preaching well enough for you all to understand. This sermon has greatly blessed me, and set a very clear path for me for the future... I hope it will bless you as much as well!
xo, Chrisya S.
"Marriage scares me. Let alone doing it, the thought of it alone scares me. When you marry someone you agree to submit, open up, be honest and live in loyalty to one person for the rest of your life. No more secrets and lies between you and your spouse. When you have trust issues like I do, all those things scares you. It seems so uncomfortable and burdensome. I fear marriage."
I posted that photo along with the caption underneath it as my thought on Kak Diah's wedding. And Kak Diah's been writing A LOT in her own blog about her wedding and she posted one for me. So first and foremost... Happy wedding to Kak Diah and Chris! I pray for nothing but abundant blessing upon your marriage~
Anyway, so I thought it would only be fair to return her good intention with a blog post also. So here is what I have to say about Kak Diah and I...
Today started with The Faceshop's F/W product launching. Because later on we will be following a makeup demo using the new 2013 F/W FACEit Makeup products, all the T.O.P girls were told to come with no make up on (GASP!!!).
The launching starts by Diane, the overseas marketing staff, introducing herself as the MC. And then it was continued by a presentation on the 2013 F/W product launching by Ms. Kim, the head marketing of Faceshop.
I personally really like these fall winter make up range Faceshop have prepared... The F/W FACEit Lesson 3 - Artist Touch make up includes lipstick, lipgloss and eyeshadow. I personally really like eyeshadow. The shades chosen for this season is very elegant; as they have chosen range of color of brow and gold. Simple and yet classy!
There was also an explanation session of Faceshop's new CC cream product range. They explained how it is different from the existing and famous BB cream. And to spoil us even more, they all gave each one of us a CC cream pack and had our names engraved on the CC cream packaging >___< CC cream with my name on it... one and only in the world!!!
As I've written before, I won the T.O.P Girl 2013 competition held by The Faceshop... By winning I got various prizes, and one of it includes a 3-days-trip to Korea. After the long wait and a lot of preparation, it's finally June 30th... the day to fly to Kimchi land finally came.
I had Mba Inge from The Faceshop and Mba Maria from Cosmo Girl together on the trip with me. I was actually quite nervous the trip would turn into a deadly silent journey due to the age differences, but both of them were very nice and funny, I actually had a great time talking and spending the trip with them :)
Graduation is just around the corner. And although our lass held a little vacation to the Harapan Island, some of our classmate couldn't come along... So we decided to hold a little lunch gathering as another farewell.
Initially we were going to hold the lunch on July, but our friend Juniwise has plans on moving to Japan, so I took the initiative to set the date earlier, so she can join before she leaves for good.
I made reservation in Goedkoop cafe, a little cafe located in Benhil. I came across their instagram and was really interested in trying out eating in there. Plus, I thought it would be appropriate to have our 'farewell' in the area where we all spent most of our time during our 3 years study :)
This won't be a long post, because truthfully I do not know what to write. I am no concert reviewer, so I won't be doing a review. I was going to write a fanaccount, but nothing particular happened... But, let me just say how happy I am to finally get the chance to watch G-Dragon live in concert. I got front row in festival area, G-Dragon was practically 2 meters away from me. But, if it wasn't for the barricade and the security... G-Dragon would probably me 0 meter away fro me. Haha.
I cried a little when GD sang, '1년 정거장'. Out of all GD's songs, this one particular song has always been my personal favorite. And I guess when you mix your favorite song, with the erupting longing feelings that has been held for 4 years plus great arrangement for the band.. and you will eventually get tears. No, I am no usually this dramatical *cough* but everything just seems pretty on that one particular track. For me. Personally. Even more beautiful than when GD sang 'Butterfly', which was really beautiful.
Anyway, I would like to thank the benefactor of this, my mom. The brain behind this surprise, Femme. And also Tasha, for helping in getting the ticket and guiding me through out the concert. You guys are lovely, I am thankful to have you. I am blessed.
Just a little side note for GD... Make sure you sing in tune for 'Bad Boy' and 'Missing You' next time. I know, I know... you're a rapper and not a singer. But, fans do pay for the show. I don't expect you to be great in singing, but you should at least make the effort not to sing off tune. It's the least you could do. But hey, off tune or not, you will always be my bias.
xo, Chrisya S.
What do you get when three single ladies getting together in a room with make-up tools, high heels, pretty clothes, cute ribbons and a camera? :D Well, you get tons of self taken photos!!! Hello Friday gals got together again and we took photos of ourselves~ It came out really pretty...
Juniwise is becoming really good with her make-up skills... I'm a proud friend and definitely a very happy one. Wise practices her make up skills on us, Monica and I on the other hand get free make over. Definitely 'friends with benefits'. Haha.
But we did this little 'photoshoot' not only for fun, because we decided that I will enter in a beauty competition 'T.O.P Girl' held by The Faceshop. Contestants simply submit application along with their best photo, and they will compete in final day to win a prize which includes:
The Faceshop Indonesia brand ambassador for 1 year
Free 3 days trip to South Korea
Free endorsement for 1 year
5 Million rupiah cash
So, in order to go in accord with The Faceshop's status as The leading natural beauty brand, Juniwise did my make up in the most simple and natural way. The outfit I chose was definitely not something I wear daily. I chose something cute, dominated with pastel and soft color with flowery pattern , to bring out the 'girly' side of me. Anyway, without further ado, below are the photos we took... Please excuse the amount of narcism. It's the camera, blame the camera... It loves us too much.
For the competition application, I submitted the photo above... My mom chose it, but I personally like it the most also. Oh, how I wish my hair could be that way every single day. A little wave to it would be pretty, I'm getting rather tired or bored with this d*mn straight hair. ((Human... never grateful for what they have ;sigh;))
Anyway, as much as I like how the photos turn out pretty, I must admit I look great in it because of the help of make up. I like myself both with make up and barefaced. So, to proof my confidence... below is the before and after make up shot of myself.
Not so different? Different? Or VERY different?
xo, Chrisya S + Hello Friday girls.
My dad was born on May 5th, 1963. If he was still here, he will be celebrating his 50th birthday. A golden age. But I guess God had another plan. My dad was ready though... Before he passed away, he was preaching in his Komsel and he declared that if God took him away this year, He is ready. He is ready. It's amazing.
I'd like to take time in this date, to reminisce how amazing my dad was in my life and things he taught me. Maybe he never realized that he taught me these things, but he did played a HUGE role in my life and I am what I am today because of him.
Communication is important
My dad and I is very similar in our characters. One of the most similar character we both have, would be our difficulty in expressing our feelings and emotions. We tend to hide our feelings, or even when we decide to show it... it would always come out wrong. Our words come out wrong, our actions come out wrong. We're just awkward with showing affection. Communication isn't exactly our traits. And the closer the person to us, the harder it is for us to deliver what is on our mind.
But, after going through many things with my family, I realized that the reason we could hold on for so long, was because the communication we had between each other. As I wrote in this post, my dad calls me almost every single day. We talk, email or message each other on daily basis. Whenever my dad is bored, he would either call me or my sister. My dad showed me that no matter how far you are, you have to communicate with your loved ones.
You don't even need to think of heavy topics to discuss... talk about the boy you saw at the mall, the weird advertisement you saw, the funny shopping offers you received... Take time, dial that number, type that message, read that email... anything. Anytime. Communicate.
Wear your smile
When my dad passed away, friends and family would come up to my mother and I, and they would start reminiscing the moments they had with my dad. And I realize one thing that a lot of people would say about my dad... They all say how funny my dad was, and how he would always be the joker whenever there are family gathering. There was almost never a moment anyone caught my dad being sad.
I remember the only one time that my dad cried (not because of God & worship), was when we went back to my dad's hometown to bury my late grandmother. Then the rest of my memory of him, would be him dancing weirdly, smiling and laughing really really (really) loudly.
He taught me to live life with a smile on my face. No matter how hard things are, no matter what life brings to you... smile. Just smile. And in a while, you'll get used to it. And smiling will eventually be a natural thing for you to do.
Be tough, young woman
I don't know why, but in my own theory... Because my father always wanted a son + I am the first born daughter, he applied the 'tough love' method towards me. I realize this, and even my mom sort of 'agreed' to it.
But no, it is not a 'military' kind of tough love. I remember when I graduated from high school, he moved me to Jakarta straight away. I moved alone to my grandma's house and I had really hard time adjusting to the new environment. I remember I had to study the crazy Jakarta public transportation system on my own... I hop into a bus/mikrolet I never been on, then I would write down it's route and how much it costs. I did that almost every day, in the hot sun and in rainy days. I went to colleges and classes on my own, fought with robber, went home late night shifts only to be disturbed and touched by drunken man, cheated by kenek and other unfortunate events.
My dad worried, he would called and constantly asking my whereabouts. But, he knew I had to learn. And I did learned. That is only one out of the many 'tough' lessons he made do... But, I learned that, even as a young woman, that does not mean you cannot stand on your own feet. The world is not getting any kinder, and to survive you gotta be tough. And I realize this toughness is useful in work and other parts of life also.
Marriage is serious business
I think one of the most important lesson my dad ever taught me indirectly is how important marriage is. In the beginning, my father wasn't exactly a 'dream husband' neither was he a 'perfect father'. But, God changed him. And he is definitely a changed man. Years passed by, and each day he is more alike with God and I couldn't have asked for a better example and standard of men in my life.
My father showed me that to be in marriage, you have to fully understand the commitment you are going to be in. That marriage is not merely based in 'love'. A truly holy & blessed matrimony takes time and it will only happen on God's very own will and time.
My dad showed me what kind of marriage I'd like to live in, and he also showed me the kind of man I want to be in my life... But on top of that, he showed me what kind of woman I would like to be for my future husband.
There are many other lessons my dad taught me both directly and indirectly. Those things that I've shared are only a few bits of what he taught me in 22 years of us being together. The lessons that he taught me, I am still constantly battling with it daily. He may be gone, but his lessons will stay with me, and I will continue learning.
Dad, happy birthday! I am glad to have an amazing father like you, and I am forever thankful for the lessons you taught me. I love you always and forever.
xo, Chrisya S.
Our class went to Harapan Island (one the island in Kepulauan Seribu area) as a 'goodbye' trip before we graduate. Sadly, not all of our class member could join in the trip. But, it was nonetheless very fun experience! I didn't bring my DSLR, instead I brought my toy camera and I also borrowed my sister's underwater camera. The result just came from the printer today, and it came out pretty good ;) I can't wait to post all of them here later on~
More on Harapan Island coming soon!
xo, Chrisya S.
BAPYProjects successfully concluded our third project last month! Even though there were a lot of rough and tough times during the project, BABYs were happy with the project result (SG BABYs in particular was happy with the cupcake we gave them). And although we were disappointed with TS Entertainment, we tried to believe Yongguk when he said that he received our gifts and that the food we prepared for him was delicious.
Our team donated to Purme Foundation on behalf of Yongguk, we made him photomosaic of all BABYs that participated and donated for the project, prepared food support for him and the other members (20+ staff of TS Entertainment) and bought various gifts for him.
After a month of anxiety, we were finally sure that Yongguk did receive our gifts after all. One of the gifts we bought him was a Insight 'Heroes and Zeroes' T-Shirt... I just knew when I laid eyes on the tshirt I had to buy it for him. It reminded me of B.A.P's "Zero" track in their latest album and I had the feeling it was something he would wear. And... well, I was right 'cause Yongguk wore it when they flew back from Beijing!
Being in a project team is hard, you work really hard but most of the time you work behind the scene and the one you worked your ass off for (the idol; B.A.P in my case) probably doesn't even know that you or your project team existed. So to see Yongguk wore one of the item we gave him is really delighting. Hopefully, Project: [ForHIM] will go as smooth and Himchan will also show some love towards the things we're currently preparing for him.
p.s: HUGE HUGE thanks to Catch Cafe for helping us and for being very very patient towards TS Entertainment. Onnie, if it wasn't for your help... the food support would not happen! Thank you!
xo, Chrisya S.
This week has been really crazy and busy. I flew to Bali on the 24th, flew to Singapore on the 27th and flew back to Jakarta the next day. Went home to Bali to visit dad's grave and also for the 40 days prayer with our church members. Time flies, without realizing it's been 40 days since dad passed away. That's more than a month. I've lived without dad for a month. I thought I was going to die from devastation, but I didn't. (Well almost, but I didn't). I must say, it's not easy.
So, why is it easier for other to let go? And why is it harder on me? Where lies the difference?
Well, we had lunch with Tante Nine (one of my mother's client) and here's what I've learned. I've lived separately from my parents for 3 years now. I live in Jakarta while my parents live in Bali. But even with the distance between us, I never really feel like I'm 'away' from home. My parents constantly message, email or call me. And they do this on daily basis; there is almost never a day without them trying to contact me. My father calls me whenever mom left him alone at home. We wouldn't talk much, he would only ask whether or not I ate lunch, if my facial cream was finish or not, if my hair has grown longer, and other casual topic. Then he would hang up. But then continue the conversation through whatsapp.
The difference lies in the 'frequency'.
My father talks to me every single day. Even when we're apart. That's what makes it harder for me to let go. For 22 years, never for once he's absent in my life...
A sudden death doesn't simply take him away from my head.
The high frequency of our interaction what makes it different.
If you know my faith, then you might question my belief. "If you know God has a plan for your father and your family, why can't you let go yet?" But this has nothing to do with my faith, or at least in my opinion it doesn't. Because I know my God would know far better than I do, more than you or anybody would do... my father plays a HUGE role in making me who I am today. I know God would understand that it would not be easy for me to let go of memories build in twenty two years long. I will let go slowly but surely. It might take some time, but I will.
I am thankful that God is keeping me busy with BAPYProjects; the projects takes my mind off things. By keeping myself busy, it's easier to let go of my dad. Current project our team is working on is, Project: [BANG!]. Shipping cost to Singapore was much more expensive than a flight to Singapore, so we decided that I should fly to Singapore and bring the gifts in my luggage. Singapore is as hot as it has always been, but it's great to be away from Indonesia for a little while. 18 hours to be exact.
I stayed in Pillows & Toast Hostel. It's quite pricey, but then again Singapore is pretty pricey in general. (One of the reason why I don't really like traveling to Singapore) The hostel itself is really close from the MRT station, it only about 5 minutes walk away. I took 1 bed in the ladies dormitory. The room had 4 bunk beds, fit for 8 pax a room. Each bed has a electricity plug a lamp (you cannot dim it; only on/off! I don't like this!) and each person gets a locker. Simple breakfast is serve in the morning: the usual bread + jam and tea/coffee. This cost me: SG$ 33.
I have a dream to have a job where it would require me to travel to different countries frequently. Could this be God's way to show me His future plans in my life? :) Well, Lord... go ahead send me even to the ends of the world. Take me to as many airports as possible, fly me to as many countries as possible... I'm ready.
Had the chance to watch Music Bank in Jakarta on March 9th. I got the ticket just a few hours before the show starts, thanks to my aunty's colleague. I am really thankful good things just come one after the other. And it always intrigued me, how I'm blessed with free tickets to K-Pop concerts many times already now.
I didn't take that much photo, as I was in tribune which was really far from the stage, and I had nothing but my mom's pocket camera with me. But, sharing is caring right?
I missed it when TEEN TOP sang '긴 생머리 그녀 (Miss Right)' though, which was actually the song I wanted to see the most. But I managed to see them perform other songs. I didn't miss INFINITE performing my favorite song though... '추격자 (The Chaser)'! And I also loved SISTAR 19's performance on 'Gone No Longer Around'.
So anyway, I finally got the chance to see INFINITE, TEEN TOP and SISTAR live on stage! Although they only sang few songs, but I get to see 3 of my favorite K-Pop group in one stage and on top of all that, for free! HA!
|The ocean of K-Pop fans|
Remember my post when I thought I had hit rock bottom? Well, I was wrong. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, God took me down even lower. MUCH lower. I hate surprises, I like my life all planned and predictable. But God beat me 1-0.
After spending days at home after dad's funeral, it was time to go back to reality (read: Jakarta). Despite the overwhelming amount of laziness and procrastination plus my father's death, I somehow manage to finish my thesis project. I slept for maximum 2/3 hours every night for 3 days straight. But I guess it was somehow 'worth it'. Because not only did I finish my project, I also somehow passed my thesis defense and now I am waiting and counting days until graduation day.
So, I guess I will not be spending the rest of my life in silent hurt and wondering after all.
It doesn't stop there. Cause after defense was over, little sister gave me a surprise present: Eeyore doll dressed up in graduation suit. (Too cute!) Then to top it all off, my aunty somehow manage to get 2 tickets for me to watch KBS Music Bank - Jakarta. I ended the day by watching Teen Top and INFINITE Live on stage! I feel truly blessed. One miracle after another just... somehow come up.
Just kidding! I know very well it didn't just somehow appear out of nowhere... Thank you God for your blessings. You gave me parents that work really hard in order to give me proper education, and I am really thankful you gave me the strength to finish uni with good grades. I am thankful for my supportive family members, and I am thankful for every free kpop tickets I've received even when I don't ask for it. You are good!
Can't wait 'til graduation!
On Saturday, February 9th, I prayed like I usually pray on my birthdays. While praying God told me to read Matthew 5. I realize so many of the verse applied to my life and I feel that some will happen later on during the year. But I paid no attention to one particular verse - not knowing it will hit me 5 days later.
Five days later, on February 14th, my father passed away. I was about 3 hours late, father passed away on 20.27 and I came to the hospital at around midnight. I wrote this in the previous post - but it really was too sudden and surreal for me to believe in. I wasn't angry, sad neither was I hysterical. But, when I had the chance to see my father in the mortuary, I felt this sudden peace. Although I was crying, when I saw my father's smiling face and I had no choice but to be strong for my mother and sister. I had strength and peace.
The mourning service lasted for two days, first day was the most painful. Seeing so many relatives and friends coming over, it was hard to hold back my tears. And it was on the first service that I realize, as much as it hurts to lose my father, it is even harder to sing and say that God is just, caring and loving after taking my father away from me. I could not sing at all. Then on the second day, I had someone asking me whether or not I had received signs of my father's death. I thought no, I don't think I had. Then I had sudden urge to re-read Matthew 5.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
- Matthew 5:4
Turns out God had laid out all His plans for me this year, including my father's death. I just didn't pay attention; I mean who would expect they will be mourning over their father 5 days after celebrating their birthday? Certainly not me. But, a friend sent a message to me: "God brings people He loves closer to Him". So I think God really really loves my father and that is why He wants my father real close to Him.
"(v33) When Jesus saw her weeping, and the people who had come with her weeping, he was intensely moved in spirit and greatly distressed. (v34) He asked, "Where have you laid him?" They replied, "Lord, come and see." (v35) Jesus wept."
- John 11: 33 - 35
Just like how Jesus wept for the death of Lazarus... I know God must've wept together with my mother, Femme and I. And as much as I love my father, I am sure that God loves him even more.
"Don't let go too soon, but don't hold on for too long."
- Tuesdays With Morrie
It is okay to cry. I once wrote this when a friend of mine lost his beloved mother. "Crying is not a sign of weakness, since birth it is the sign of being alive." I have cried for the loss of my father, but I should not stay sorrowful. My father left with a peaceful and beautiful smile on his face... so I will also have to live my life with a smile on my face in the future. I am definitely not fully okay at the moment, but I will be. Immanuel... God is with me. He'll comfort me and make me understand through time.
When we have tests coming, we would revise lessons we've had. When we have job interview, we would practice (some even talk to themselves in the mirror). When we're going on a trip, we pack our bags and documents. We all like to be prepared. Because we know that our life events depend on just how much prepared we are. But I found that there is one thing we, humans, could never be prepared for. No matter how many people have gone through it. No matter how many studies have been done. No matter how conscious we are about it. No one, no human, is ever ready or prepared to face death.
Death... we all heard many different stories about it. Some of us heard it from a close friend, some heard it from a faraway relative. We heard about it so many times, we took it as a practice. We thought stories of other people's experiences would be able to prepare our hearts when it's our time to face the death of our loved ones. We thought other people's stories would be able to guide us through. But only until we had experienced it first hand, we realized, no matter how much prepared we thought we are... We never were.
Many of us a scared of passing away. Many of us question and wonder when will be the day of our own death. We even imagine of the possibilities of our death and it scares us most of the time. But no matter how scary our own death could be, death of our loved ones are always much more frightening. Because we all know that no matter how scary leaving this world could be, it is harder to be the one left behind. Because we, among any other creature, are a highly social beings and we like to live with other social beings. We spend our lives belonging to a family, growing up with pals and friends, building connections and networking, finding 'soulmate' to spend our lives together with and giving birth. We were always prepared for arrivals, birth, new items, entrance, etc. We are experts in welcoming. Which makes separation, farewell and dearth a hard thing to accept.
"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to our bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
I wasn't ready when my father went. It all happen too soon and too surprising that it feels surreal. Those stories that I thought would be able to prepare me for this, is useless. And as much as I want him here with me... he is gone, buried and will definitely be missed. He left with a peaceful smile on his face, I will have to live my life with a smile on my face also in the future.
Dad, I miss you already. Thank you for leaving with a smile, you make it easy for me to let you go. I am not fully okay at the moment, but I will be. I'll take care of mom and Femme, you taught me and showed me how to be joyful, bright, courageous, strong and tough... I'll live my life that way. I love you, and will forever miss you. I am very very very proud to be your daughter and to have you as my father.
So... I totally forgot to post these photos. I took these during the Christmas holiday. Mom offered me to take photos in her client's wedding ceremony and although I refused at first (it's holiday... this young lady just wanna relax), but I was too poor to pass the opportunity. So to add little more zeros in my saving balance, I decided to take the job. My mom did really great in decorating their wedding, especially the decoration in the beach. It was beautiful. Anyone planning to marry in the near time? Do contact my mom. You can find her blog in the links page. Tee-hee~
This post contains a whole lot of photos (not that it's any surprise anymore)... I just felt the need to let you know about that. I didn't have confidence during this shoot actually... It's been a really really long time since I last photograph. And no, I am not exaggerating this. I think it's been about 6 months since I seriously photograph something. I didn't even take photos while I was in Thailand. /sigh/