On Saturday, February 9th, I prayed like I usually pray on my birthdays. While praying God told me to read Matthew 5. I realize so many of the verse applied to my life and I feel that some will happen later on during the year. But I paid no attention to one particular verse - not knowing it will hit me 5 days later.
Five days later, on February 14th, my father passed away. I was about 3 hours late, father passed away on 20.27 and I came to the hospital at around midnight. I wrote this in the previous post - but it really was too sudden and surreal for me to believe in. I wasn't angry, sad neither was I hysterical. But, when I had the chance to see my father in the mortuary, I felt this sudden peace. Although I was crying, when I saw my father's smiling face and I had no choice but to be strong for my mother and sister. I had strength and peace.
The mourning service lasted for two days, first day was the most painful. Seeing so many relatives and friends coming over, it was hard to hold back my tears. And it was on the first service that I realize, as much as it hurts to lose my father, it is even harder to sing and say that God is just, caring and loving after taking my father away from me. I could not sing at all. Then on the second day, I had someone asking me whether or not I had received signs of my father's death. I thought no, I don't think I had. Then I had sudden urge to re-read Matthew 5.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
- Matthew 5:4
Turns out God had laid out all His plans for me this year, including my father's death. I just didn't pay attention; I mean who would expect they will be mourning over their father 5 days after celebrating their birthday? Certainly not me. But, a friend sent a message to me: "God brings people He loves closer to Him". So I think God really really loves my father and that is why He wants my father real close to Him.
"(v33) When Jesus saw her weeping, and the people who had come with her weeping, he was intensely moved in spirit and greatly distressed. (v34) He asked, "Where have you laid him?" They replied, "Lord, come and see." (v35) Jesus wept."
- John 11: 33 - 35
Just like how Jesus wept for the death of Lazarus... I know God must've wept together with my mother, Femme and I. And as much as I love my father, I am sure that God loves him even more.
"Don't let go too soon, but don't hold on for too long."
- Tuesdays With Morrie
It is okay to cry. I once wrote this when a friend of mine lost his beloved mother. "Crying is not a sign of weakness, since birth it is the sign of being alive." I have cried for the loss of my father, but I should not stay sorrowful. My father left with a peaceful and beautiful smile on his face... so I will also have to live my life with a smile on my face in the future. I am definitely not fully okay at the moment, but I will be. Immanuel... God is with me. He'll comfort me and make me understand through time.