This week has been really crazy and busy. I flew to Bali on the 24th, flew to Singapore on the 27th and flew back to Jakarta the next day. Went home to Bali to visit dad's grave and also for the 40 days prayer with our church members. Time flies, without realizing it's been 40 days since dad passed away. That's more than a month. I've lived without dad for a month. I thought I was going to die from devastation, but I didn't. (Well almost, but I didn't). I must say, it's not easy.
So, why is it easier for other to let go? And why is it harder on me? Where lies the difference?
Well, we had lunch with Tante Nine (one of my mother's client) and here's what I've learned. I've lived separately from my parents for 3 years now. I live in Jakarta while my parents live in Bali. But even with the distance between us, I never really feel like I'm 'away' from home. My parents constantly message, email or call me. And they do this on daily basis; there is almost never a day without them trying to contact me. My father calls me whenever mom left him alone at home. We wouldn't talk much, he would only ask whether or not I ate lunch, if my facial cream was finish or not, if my hair has grown longer, and other casual topic. Then he would hang up. But then continue the conversation through whatsapp.
The difference lies in the 'frequency'.
My father talks to me every single day. Even when we're apart. That's what makes it harder for me to let go. For 22 years, never for once he's absent in my life...
A sudden death doesn't simply take him away from my head.
The high frequency of our interaction what makes it different.
If you know my faith, then you might question my belief. "If you know God has a plan for your father and your family, why can't you let go yet?" But this has nothing to do with my faith, or at least in my opinion it doesn't. Because I know my God would know far better than I do, more than you or anybody would do... my father plays a HUGE role in making me who I am today. I know God would understand that it would not be easy for me to let go of memories build in twenty two years long. I will let go slowly but surely. It might take some time, but I will.
I am thankful that God is keeping me busy with BAPYProjects; the projects takes my mind off things. By keeping myself busy, it's easier to let go of my dad. Current project our team is working on is, Project: [BANG!]. Shipping cost to Singapore was much more expensive than a flight to Singapore, so we decided that I should fly to Singapore and bring the gifts in my luggage. Singapore is as hot as it has always been, but it's great to be away from Indonesia for a little while. 18 hours to be exact.
I stayed in Pillows & Toast Hostel. It's quite pricey, but then again Singapore is pretty pricey in general. (One of the reason why I don't really like traveling to Singapore) The hostel itself is really close from the MRT station, it only about 5 minutes walk away. I took 1 bed in the ladies dormitory. The room had 4 bunk beds, fit for 8 pax a room. Each bed has a electricity plug a lamp (you cannot dim it; only on/off! I don't like this!) and each person gets a locker. Simple breakfast is serve in the morning: the usual bread + jam and tea/coffee. This cost me: SG$ 33.
I have a dream to have a job where it would require me to travel to different countries frequently. Could this be God's way to show me His future plans in my life? :) Well, Lord... go ahead send me even to the ends of the world. Take me to as many airports as possible, fly me to as many countries as possible... I'm ready.