I have a secret.

February 14, 2017

I have a secret. I still punish myself to this day for this. My dad called me 2 days before he passed away. I ignored his phone calls. I told him to just text me. I find his phone calls very 'irritating' - I didn't want to be bothered at that time. So he texted me, he wished me all the best for my thesis. He wrote 'good lcuk ya'.

That was his last message to me.

2 days later... he went away.

4 years later, I still regret this.

4 years later, today... I'm staring at my phone screen... wishing he'd call.

It's been four years and I still regret that I couldn't say a proper goodbye to my dad. Although I don't think a proper goodbye will take away my grief, but I wish I had picked up his phone call 4 years ago. I wish I had said hello, or goodbye or I love you, or you know... just ANYTHING, any words, any sentence to him. Or maybe... I don't need to say any words. My words don't matter anyway. Maybe all I need is a chance to hear his voice before he went away. I'd give anything to hear his voice. Any words, any sentence from him. ANYTHING from him.
He just wanted to talk.

I just needed to pick up his phone call.

I need him gone, to realize...

that all I had to do was JUST to pick up my phone.

Like... seriously... that's all I had to do.

"내가 전화만 받았어도....
아빠가 아마 살수있어도돼.
아빠가 자꾸 전화하니까....
아빠가 자꾸 전화했어.... 난 자쯩나서....
"여보세요" 그한마디만 돼는데."
그래서 전화 안받았어.
전화 받았으면돼는데....

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